I joined FetLife yesterday, as part of my exploration of BDSM to help me discover what other people do and to see if different fetishes may, or may not, fit into my life. The experience left me wondering if I really had a right to be there.
Those of you who’ve completed a profile on FetLife know that there are two fields which are designed to classify your primary behaviors: General Info and Role. I chose “submissive” and “Bottom” respectively, and was comfortable with my selection until I joined a couple of groups and started reading the posts. Then, woah! Did I ever feel out of my zone.
I thought joining “Submissive Women” would have been a natural fit. You know I’m submissive, I’m a woman, how could I miss? The group is only for women who describe themselves as submissive or bottoms – no Doms allowed. Though I’m sure many read over the shoulders of their devoted. When I read the posts, I realized that I wasn’t in Kansas any more!
With no disrespect to those who choose to live the BDSM lifestyle, I became really upset reading about the caning of nipples for punishment, the absolute word of the Master and about women subs being beaten for “disrespect” in their day-to-day lives. When it came to women disparaging themselves for being inadequate subs, I became even more disturbed. One woman jokingly called her Master a dumbass in a household conversation and then endured a severe beating, after which she proclaimed it made her feel closer to Him.
I just can’t wrap my head around this mindset.
Every fiber in my womanly body wants to scream and shake them out of this trance. Subjugating yourself to give up so much control over every aspect of your life just doesn’t sit well with me. It reminds me of a cult.
How does this type of 24/7 domination outside of the bedroom differ from “normal” relationships that are cited as abusive? When it comes to extending the word of Master over all things in the household (including the rearing of children) rather than approaching domesticity as a team effort with a balance of power, you’ve lost me. I can’t help thinking of 1950’s households or Bountiful, with a sadistic bent.
Again, no disrespect meant, and I’m trying very hard not to judge, but this is way beyond what my own personal boundaries would allow – no matter what label it’s given.
And suddenly, I felt that if this is the community of submissives at FetLife, perhaps I didn’t have the right to call myself a sub after all. I am never going to call my man Master (nope, not ever going to happen.) And I have no desire to have him dominate me outside of our sex life, and even then, that submission is not absolute. There are many pain and subjugation areas I am just not willing to experiment with, and all of that has left me feeling rather vanilla.
Just like GirlFriskey wrote last month, I know, in relation to the mainstream, I’m willing to do more than most. Fuck on a train? Yup, I’m down with that. Walk around the market with a dildo in my pussy with my breasts disheveled underneath my jacket? Sign me up! Tie me up and spank me? Oh yes please! In the bedroom (or wherever), I’ll be filthy and love what my husband doles out. Be beaten in punishment and controlled throughout my life? Without a doubt: I. Would. Be. Gone.
That end of the spectrum of desire is just not for me.
So is there room for me at FetLife? After changing my primary descriptive from submissive to bottom and back again, I found solace in visiting BadBadGirl’s profile. She chose to describe herself as submissive, but it was this line that made me feel there may still be a place for someone like me:
“I’ll let you pull my hair and toss me around but if I don’t like the ball gag- can I stay??
(Thanks Diva and The Best Sex Bloggers for including this post in The Week in Kink.)
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